GG Allin - “I Wanna Piss On You”
Entire encyclopedias could be written on the works of notorious 80’s punk rock icon Kevin Michael Allin (birth name Jesus Christ Allin, for serious), but today we’re going to focus on one of his lesser known songs.
“I Wanna Piss On You” is notable for its absolutely insane lead guitar, which often drowns out Allin’s voice and the other instruments. Not that you’d really want to hear the other instruments or anything, or Allin’s voice for that matter, as he seems to be making up most of the lyrics on the spot given the amount of awkward pauses he makes mid-sentence in this performance. Still, one cannot deny the power of lyrics such as “Everyone should be pissed on”, “Piss, piss urinate/ piss on everybody, yeah!”, “Your hair is yellow, it’s dripping down your chin/ it’s going in your mouth again!” and, most importantly, the poetic lines “My glands can’t hold it in/I’ve got an awful yen/wanna pull it out again and urinate on everyone!”.
In case you were wondering, yes, GG was completely serious about this song, which was written back in his days as a mediocre pop-punker fronting a band called The Jabbers as “Nuke Attack”. How they got from that to “I Wanna Piss On You” will remain a mystery, but the changes made to the song were obviously for the better. That lead guitar…
Chuggo - “Ah, C’mon”
Chuggo is a xhardxcorex gangsta rapper from Canada. Released in 2006, “Ah, C’mon”, more commonly referred to as “C’mon Fuckin Guy” went viral after being featured on Something Awful in 2008. The song’s refrain of “Ah, c’mon fuckin guy” is commonly misheard as “c’mon, fuck a guy”, which has led to notoriety of the song in various online communities.
Also, that skull scepter he wields in this video? He definitely carries that with him in public. All the time. He is also known for putting mayonnaise on everything. None of this has anything to do with the song, but I’d rather put that here than more meaningless criticism of his work, as that pretty much speaks for itself.
A compilation of “Ah, C’mon” covers by web community Penis Pump
Death Grips - “Guillotine (It Goes Yah)
In the hands of a trained professional a green screen can be a powerful device. In the hands of someone who has no idea what in the hell they’re doing and is probably on all the drugs, however, a green screen can become a device that makes the most glorious of trainwrecks all the more hilarious. Today’s video features rapper Death Grips making strange “YAAAAH” noises while green-screened static eats away at his eyes, body, and car seats. The song itself involves Death Grips making noises and occasionally using a guillotine as a metaphor for… something or another, but that green screen.
This would’ve made an awesome Tim and Eric sketch. Unfortunately this is supposed to be completely serious.
Eden Wood - “Cutie Patootie”
After being prominently featured in several episodes of TLC’s “Toddlers & Tiaras”, Eden Wood was forced into the entertainment world by her mother, who probably spent way too much money on several Ke$ha-lite songs for her daughter to sing. In “Cutie Patootie”, Eden unenthuastically rambles on and on about how she, among other things, has TV deals and her own Facebook page, then goes on to a second verse in which she talks about how she’s here to remain a force (farce?) in entertainment forever. Forever.
Blood on the Dance Floor - “S My D”
“S My D” is a 2008 single by “crunkcore” band Blood on the Dance Floor, who seemingly exists only to market graphically sexual GG Allin-lite synthpop songs with grindcore-esque growls to underage girls. I guess it works out well for them, as their creepy-old-mannish frontman Dahvie Vanity has been hauled in by cops for all sorts of sex-related felonies because he can’t keep his hands off the little girls. In this song he implores them to pop his cock out “like lipstick” and give him all of the (probably teethy and awful) blow jobs. It’ll make your ears burn.
Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - “Hulkster’s in Heaven”
In 1995 the Hulk Hogan-fronted Wrestling Boot Band (featuring his wife Linda and wrestling colleague Jimmy Hart) released their first and only album, “Hulk Rules”. This particular song is a power ballad written by the Hulkster about a fan who reportedly died during a wrestling match in which Hogan had invited him to sit ringside. It is very heartfelt and… stuff.
ScreamingWizard’s Former Classmate - “Shawty Wanna Fuck”
SubReddit r/crappymusic unearthed this gem about 2 weeks ago. The rapper, apparently a former classmate of Redditor ScreamingWizard, compares a woman’s “big, round, oily butt” to a “wet McMuffin” multiple times, then mentions that he wants to “pour a glass of water on her big round butt” in order to give her “goosebumps so [he] can bust a nut”. The amount of auto-tune in this track takes everything to a whole new level of painful.
JustinRPG - “I Love Reshiram”
According to this Encylopedia Dramatica page(NSFW), Justin Coolidge (known better as JustinRPG) is a “Pokemon-obsessed 26-year old furry voreaphile coprophile coprophaggot urophile macrophile manchild who claims to 50% cat, 50% human, and married to the Pokemon Reshiram”. This song, entitled “I Love Reshiram”, is one of his many attempts at musical expression. What seems to be happening involves him haphazardly groaning into, judging by the quality of the vocals, what is probably a Rock Band USB microphone while chiptuney-like music plays in the background.
A .zip file containing most of his music can be found here. If you’re not willing to take the plunge, however, more of his music can be found below.
Nothing good can come of this existing. Welcome to the hellride.
